Just What We Needed

I know I’ve not shared much here over the last several months. But I’m pretty sure you’ll forgive me for that, right?

Writing is an emotional thing for me I’m learning. And I think I’ve been slightly emotionally depleted these past several months. Writing asked more of me than I could give, so that’s why I’ve been quiet. I’m trying to work through it. I’m pushing through. I’m not giving up on this thing I love.

Every now and then I guess we just need a breather.

A rest. A break. An opportunity to renew and refocus. A sweet breath of fresh air.

Like that salty breeze that hits you hard and only comes from the place where your toes sink into the edge of the ocean. Eyes closed, arms outstretched, hair whipping wildly, and you standing there welcoming in that long awaited relief.

Ahhh… It’s great living by the ocean.

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These last days of December 2013, that’s just what I’ve needed.

The last few years have come to a close, ending with such a heaviness. I’m starting to think that this just might be the new norm. Life is hard. But is it always SO hard?

I have watched dear friends lose dearly loved ones. Three friends lost their sweet baby girls. Another lost her husband. Another her brother. And just a few short weeks ago another friend said goodbye to her 19 month old baby boy. He was Judah’s friend and it is just so close.  There have been so many other heart wrenching stories I have heard of as well. From friends of friends and members of our church. There has been so much loss. Just so much.

We know that heaven is sweet and there is absolutely no other place we wish for those we love the most to be. But this earthly grief and separation stabs deep. And it leaves us without breath as we watch from the outside completely helpless.

Nothing else has ever taken me to this dark place of questioning. I have never been afraid of God, not like this. I have never spent so much time on the floor, completely powerless to stand. I have never, never felt this helpless or out of control. And I have never seen faith in God acted out like I have in these few short weeks.

I’ll never forget when I was 13, my brother was 10 and he was high in a tree, held by a rope swing and the rope snapped. The pressure was too great, the rope too thin, the tree bark too sharp and it just snapped. He fell and landed hard. I watched, helpless as his eyes bulged and he gasped for breath, but the air would not enter his lungs. There was panic in his eyes as he willed his lungs to work those long minutes that felt like hours. There was panic in my screams as I watched him suffer from the impact of the blow. The air was hit hard out of him and there was nothing. anyone. could. do.

I have been that 13 year old girl. Panicked and helpless. Screaming, willing for air to enter.

There is a story that I listen to often. A story I have referred to many times before. A story for children God has used for this weary heart. A story of A Horse and His Boy. The boy was seeing Aslan for the first time and it was all coming together for him. HE had been the lion who had pushed him through the waters to the violent man who raised him. HE had been the lion who had chased them through the desert. HE had been the lion who had slashed his friend wounding and causing her deep pain… How then could he be GOOD?

I have been Chasta, the boy. Asking God, how could you have allowed these things? This deep pain that takes away the ability to breath, which causes such heart ache you almost wish it would stop beating. The ache and the empty and the grief that crashes like waves, threatening to drown. Why, God? How, God? Why like this?

Like the lion Aslan has been described, God too, is good, but He is not safe.

I want to think that He IS safe. That nothing ever bad will happen to his children. That we can walk in ignorant bliss through this life and never be touched by grief. This is what I want.

But like we can ask of most things we want, is it really what we need?

What we need is Jesus. And only Jesus.

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Through this deep grief and loss I have been deeply convicted of where I place my hope and trust. While processing through this I have shared with several friends, that I have not wanted to place all my eggs in one basket so to speak. So I have placed hope-eggs everywhere. In my husband, children, relationships, finances, my house, my church, things… oh yeah, and Jesus too.

Jesus is important, but He has not been my first and only hope. Other things have taken his place, or rather, I have given His place to other things.

This was the prayer of an 8 year old boy about to say goodbye to his baby brother, “Jesus, you are our only hope… please help us to trust your will.”  When I heard this, I was brought hard to my knees. Jesus told us to look to the faith of little children. To follow their example and lead of a blind and simple faith. They accept it. They believe it. They embrace it.

As we grow up, we lose that kind of faith and trust. We push ourselves through this weary life relying on our own strength and trick ourselves into believing we have control. And then get angry with God when he tries to bring us back to a simpler, child-like acceptance of His sovereign hand over our lives. It is not safe, but it is always for our ultimate good.

I have asked over and over, “What is the good?”

I’m beginning to think that our ultimate good is to always see a clearer view of Jesus. It is not through the easy times that our view becomes less foggy. No, it is often through
times of pain, of loss. Of grief so sharp it leaves a heart-wound and that is what sharpens our view of Christ.  We are forced to stop. Forced to question. Forced to decide and take hold of what we believe about God. Only then does our verbal faith become an action faith. When everything seems to be falling apart. When reality turns into our worst nightmare. When nothing makes any sense and half your world is gone. And you still choose to believe that God only gives us good gifts. That He is never changing. That His love endures forever. That He still sees. That He still hears. That He will carry you through.

That is when He becomes your only Hope.

I am thinking of the story of Hagar. Her troubles had forced her to run into the desert. She was afraid for her life and she had come to her end. But God. But God met her there… at her end. When nothing or no one else could rescue. God could. And God did. That is where she saw Him; stripped, completely helpless, at the very end of herself. He is the God who hears. He is the Living God who Sees. (Gen. 16) And He wants us to see Him, clearly, and only Him.

I have been deeply shaken. But I know that I am settling. Settling in after much wrestling, many tears, and loud screams. My eyes burn and my throat aches, my heart throbs and my head hurts. But I feel certain my vision of Jesus is slightly clearer.

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known.” 1Cor. 13:12

For my friends, there will be many, many days of grief ahead. I ache for them. I want to take away their suffering, but I know that I can’t. I would be robbing them of the great work of God in their lives. And as painful as that work can be, I know that not even our tears are wasted.

Even in the midst of such grief, I know that God is here among us. There is still much hope.

I wasn’t sure how to do Christmas this year. It felt almost wrong to celebrate. But singing the Christmas hymns, I realized that Christmas is the perfect time to see anew the true hope we have been given.

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour’s birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night, O night divine!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

As I sang quietly, the tears fell. My hands raised slightly opening in surrender. A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices…

Our world is so weary. Yet He gives us sweet hope in the midst.

I felt this in a tangible way Christmas night. The best surprises are those you never see coming.

Sitting in the midst of the Christmas chaos, a combined 6 children squirming and squealing, opening presents from aunts and uncles, Baba’s and Dadada’s, I felt a slight shift in the atmosphere. It wasn’t loud or obvious, but I turned my head just the same.

I looked over at my mom who was holding a partially unwrapped package, her eyes staring. The contents were still concealed but I could tell they held great meaning. I looked from her to the gift bearer and back again, desperately trying to discern what it meant.

Their eyes were wet and Mom whispered, “Really? You are?”

I jumped from my seat. I’m not really sure why, I just reacted to the surge of hope within me, and I jumped.

“Really. I am.”

It was quiet, but it resounded loud within me. A baby. A life. Hope born.

The tears were immediate as I yelled, “YOUR PREGANT!?!?!?!”

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My logic couldn’t believe it, but my heart screamed that it be true. When I saw her nod, my arms flew open, engulfing my brother and his wife. Hunter, a dad. Amy, a mother. A moment I really thought I would never see. I was completely overcome by shock and joy and laughter and tears. I rode the wave of emotion, letting it wash over me. Everyone joined in at this point, each family member coming into realization. A baby. Sweet hope of life reborn.

Looking around at each person there, I knew this was what we needed. I’m not the only who has screamed for answers this year or begged God for mercy or felt the burden of grief weigh heavy. None of us are alone in the weariness of life.

It was then I felt the cool breeze of relief rush into my soul. A lightness entered that had been absent for a long time. A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices…  I looked around and marveled as each one took turns congratulating, wiping tears, and embracing one another.

It was a moment in time that will be forever frozen in my memory. A testimony to the Living God who Sees. Who is forever faithful. Whose love endures to the very end. He, who is our Only Hope.

With that, I will take courage and welcome a New Year.

“Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened so that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raised the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us…” 2 Cor. 1:9-10

Dear Judah

Your first birthday has come and gone. More than two weeks have gone by… and I’m just now sitting to write your birthday letter.

I’m sure you would understand if I gave the excuse, “I’ve just been too busy or I’ve not had a moment to…”

Because that would be true. The past few weeks have been very busy.

But it wouldn’t be entirely true. 

This excuse might not make sense to you. But my mommy-heart hasn’t been quite ready to write your first birthday letter. And my mommy-heart can be a tricky thing.

This past year has been such a joy for me. I just didn’t want it to end. I haven’t wanted to admit, really admit, that your first year has come and gone. But it has. And I can say it now, if not a little quietly.

A couple of years before you were born I was somewhere. I can’t remember where now, but it was away from home. I had Olivia, Deacon and Levi with me and maybe Daddy too. We were busy and there were lots of people buzzing about, so I counted.

I counted the heads. One… two… three…

I counted again. One… two… three…

Everyone was there, but for some reason, I couldn’t shake that feeling that someone was missing. I looked around, waiting to see who it was that I was missing… but you weren’t here yet.

That kept happening. Sometimes I would get a little panicky about it. And then I would feel a little silly. So I decided to pray and ask God why it was that I was feeling that way.

And then He showed me.

I’ll never forget the first time I thought that I might be pregnant with you.

I was downtown and wanted a coffee. But as soon as I walked into the coffee shop, I didn’t want coffee anymore. So I got tea. But it just didn’t taste right, so I threw it out.

I paused for a moment. Hmmm… could it be? A few days later we would know for sure.

I remember laying in bed with my hand over my tummy and my tears streaming down into my ears. My heart was so full. Yes, that mommy-heart of mine. That one that can be so tricky. It was so happy and full of joy and I wondered who you would be.

I thought of your forming body and that verse that talks about God knitting you together. I pictured His hands at work, even then, in the hidden place of my womb. My heart rejoiced.

I didn’t know then that you would be a boy, but I knew if you were what I would name you. I would name you Judah, for my heart was Praising the Lord.

I thought I was done having babies. That’s what we had said. We had even given all of our baby things away! My heart was content with that. But I’m so glad God decided something different. For my heart has been full of praise since the moment I knew you were on your way.

As you grow, you will learn that God is always working and preparing us and those around us for… something. Sometimes it may seem like a small thing, an unimportant thing. But looking back you will see that it wasn’t unimportant after all. That God had a plan for that something and used it in a very big way.

Adding children to a family is a special thing. It is also a very natural thing. And although every baby is a miracle of God’s creation, it is also very normal and not unusual. I know I may be sounding a little wishy-washy. I blame it on my mommy-heart. It can sound that way sometimes.

But what I’m trying to say, is that God used the very natural occurrence of having a baby to do something big in the heart of this mommy.

We are all born for a purpose. God plans the time and place and family He places a baby in. It’s never an accident. I want you to grow to believe that, David Judah. He numbers our days before we ever see one of them. And God has a book that He writes all these things down in. He knows us. He loves us. And He uses our lives to change the lives of others.

And God is already using you, sweet boy. To encourage this mommy-heart. To confirm God’s blessings over my life. To whisper… I still hear the cries of your heart. Cause sometimes, this mommy-heart cries.

And just as I held you those long hours and days and months when all you did was cry…

God is holding me.

And when I didn’t sleep at night, but nursed you instead, breathing you in…

I remembered how God never sleeps, and always tends to our needs.

And when my heart would expand to yet another size and the tears would stream down at your first smile….

My heart would be refreshed at the thought of God’s favor over His children.

I have praised the Lord, my son. I have praised Him with my whole being for giving us you. I have praised Him for another chance to be a mommy.

I have praised Him for 10 more little fingers and toes…


And for the way you just wanted to be held all the time and how you don’t mind wearing your jammies to the park….

And for how you loved your first Christmas, even though you napped through the family picture and mommy forgot about you needing to be in it! And the way you are so good at eating your food all by yourself….

 
And for your chubbily scrumptious cheeks (sometimes I eat them!) And for the way you LOVE your lovey (it truly as magical powers) and suck your tongue when you are sleepy…

 





For your ears and your duck hair and the way you meow every time you see the kitties…

 


For your new teeth and the way you love to play in your Pack N’ Play… (and how you love balloons!)

 For the way you love your Uncle B. and how you ROCK a faux hawk!

For how I don’t have to see your smile to know you are smiling! And the way you are mommy’s helper in the kitchen (and yes you are wearing a tie here =)).

 
I am praising Him that you are my fourth blessing (whether you like it or not).

And for the way you are trying so hard to stand even though you’d rather just sit on my lap and smile.

And for how much you love to play with your toys and your brothers and sister. And for how you knew exactly what to do with that cupcake (eat it) and that number one (throw it on the floor).

And for how simply beautiful you are. You take my breath away. I love you my son. Thank you for filling this mommy-heart to overflowing. Happy Birthday.



Knock, Knock

Anyone home??

Yes, we are. Thanks for asking!

Just busy at the moment. Either that or simply trying to function on a foggy sleep deprived brain!
Putting thoughts into words is difficult at the moment. Much less remembering a thought long enough to type it out!

Oh well. Seasons come and seasons go. And I am thoroughly enjoying this one! I’m loving being a mom of four. Am loving having another baby to love on and kiss on… even at 12am and 2am and 4am and 6am…

Will write more as time and brain function allow!

Judah’s Photo Shoot

My sister-in-law is a photographer. I am so thankful for her and the moments she captures of my children. This is Judah at two weeks. Feast your eyes and enjoy!

 

Changing

At 6 weeks Judah is becoming more aware of his world. And we are loving
watching his ever changing looks.

A Dimple in my Heart

Believe it or not (and I don’t) Baby Judah will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. This picture was taken a couple of weeks ago and already he’s changed so much. Why do they do that?

Just as his sweet chin holds a permanent dimple, so does my heart. A Judah size dimple that grows each day.

His latest, you wonder?

He’s loosing his hair on top, so he’s looking even more like a little old man.

He has the most pleasant face when you talk to him. He loves being the center of attention.

He started smiling just yesterday! And made this mama cry just a bit…

He loves being held and sleeps the best when he’s in someone’s arms! (yes, I realize that I’m in trouble!)

Life has gotten busier since his arrival, but slowed down at the same time.  That’s something I keep hearing myself say to the older kids a lot, “Life slows down when you have a baby… just be patient.” They are learning and so am I.

It’s so fun having four. And I’m loving it.

May I Introduce

David “Judah” Qualls
Born May 23, 2012
at 6:26 in the morning.
He weighed 7lbs. 1oz
and was 21 inches long.
Our hearts are beyond full. And as his name Judah tells us to, we are praising the Name of the Lord!

He sure took his time on deciding to make an appearance. But once his mind was made up, he was done wasting time. He got down to business and so did his Mama.

I woke up around 3am to a couple of hard contractions. But didn’t take them too seriously until a little after 4:00 when I decided to call the midwife. We made a plan to meet at the center at 6:00 since it takes an hour for us to get there. Shortly before 5:00, the time we had planned to leave, I suddenly felt an urgency to get there. We quickly threw the rest of our stuff in the van and peeled out of the drive way. I was thankful to have my mother-in-law riding in the back with me. Her presence and her arms and hands were an amazing support to me.

The hour in the car was quite intense to say the least. I was praying we would just get there.

Ten minutes or so before we arrived, I knew something was changing. Denise, calmly encouraging me, said we would be there soon. I was so relieved at the the thought of the car ride being over. But before I could rejoice for long, my contractions began to roll over into another with hardly a pause in between. I knew it had to be soon. Just how soon would be the surprise of my life. 

As soon as we made it into the center, the midwife told me I was 8cm dilated. We ‘walked’ down the hallway. I tried to stop and breathe through the contraction, but I think Jill knew there would be no time. She and Dustin taking each arm, hoisted me to the back, as my feet shuffled to keep up. In my trance-like state, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just stop.

I heard voices telling me to do this and that. Get up on the bed? Is that what they said? But I was only allowed to do what my body told me to do. “I want to get in the tub, ” I told them. She said no. “There’s no time.”

I found myself up on the bed surprised by the sudden change that was taking place in my body. The concentration and focus took every ounce of my energy. And I had to push.
This being my first unmedicated delivery I was surprised by the intensity of it. I had no choice. There was no stopping it.

Jill, my amazing midwife, was not caught by surprise. She answered my surprised, “I have to push!” with a calm, “Do what your body tells you.”

And I did…
With the aid of one midwife and his daddy and before you could say lickety split, Little Man was HERE!!

Fifteen minutes after arriving at the birth center, Baby Judah joined our anxiously awaiting family.

I have found it amazing each time we have had a child that you don’t have to try and love them. It doesn’t take any work at all. It just happens. It’s so natural. Easy. I love that. Your heart swells to another size. Just. Like. That.

I knew I wanted to name him after my Daddy. David means Beloved of God and my Daddy is beloved of me, so it fits nicely.
But we will call him Judah. I wanted the name of this baby to represent where God has brought us and the amazing work he has done in our hearts. I hope Leah of Genesis doesn’t mind us copying her. We tried other names with similar meanings. But Judah is what my heart settled on from the very beginning. It means to Praise the Lord.

We aren’t just surviving through life, through marriage, through parenting. We aren’t roommates or cellmates or mates for life because we have to. We are walking together hand in hand, because we want to. And we are praising. With our hearts, with our lives, within our marriage and young family.
Praising the name of the one who has brought healing and hope. Granted forgiveness and renewal. And now another one of us as testimony to all He has done.

David Judah,

What a special blessing you are to us already. Even the thought of who you would be 9 months ago was enough blessing to make this Mama weep in praise.
And you are here now. And oh how deep our love runs for you.
I am loving getting to know you. How precious you are.
I love you, my sweet son. My heart overflows.

Just When you Finally Have things Figured Out

*WARNING: This post contains pregnancy talk and may not be suitable for the man who has no idea what being 4cm dilated means or gags at the mention of the word fluid.

——-

You find yourself still pregnant two days past your due date!

My friend told me that I jinxed myself. And maybe I did. But the reality is, I really had never made it to a due date! Not just once, but thrice, my friends. So what was I supposed to expect especially with a fourth pregnancy??

This has been a roller coaster of a week for me to say the least.

I thought labor had started twice. With strong contractions, intensifying over a 3-5 hour period. Only to stop as suddenly has it started.

I thought my water had broken. Yeah, not a pleasant thought when I realized it wasn’t amniotic fluid!

I was told by my midwife that I was dilated to 4cm and most likely would go by the weekend. (It is now Tuesday)

I have had at least 3 days of constant, strong and uncomfortable cramping and contractions.

I have watched my due date come and go.

I have struggled with intense discomfort due to being so dilated.

I have had to endure the million questions and suggestions and opinions from well meaning family and friends. (Sorry if I have not responded well or not at all)

I have experienced swelling in my feet, legs, toes, hands, fingers, lips, face, nose, etc…

But the hardest part about this past week, has been the battle within my mind. I’d like to blame it all on the crazy hormones that are threatening to make me crazy. And maybe that’s part of it.

Maybe it’s the desperation I feel to be “unpregnant” as Levi would say.

Maybe it’s because I’m just weary.

I’d really like to blame it on all those things. But in the end I know that I have to be responsible for my thoughts and actions.

I have experienced true weakness this week. True ‘humanity’. Shame for not trusting. Embarrassment for letting my thoughts and emotions get the better of me. I have struggled with fear and anxiety like never before.

I came across a post I wrote just before going to Ukraine December of 2010. It’s titled A Calming Presence. I wasn’t looking for it, it just seemed to appear out of no where. I know it was the Lord speaking to me, encouraging me.

I was in a similar place just before leaving for Ukraine. Struggling with fear and doubt. But through that God showed me that it’s ok. Even in the midst of our weakness, He has a plan. He can still use us. And still prove to us that He is God, holding all things together.

Sunday was particularly bad. I woke up in a panic. The fear had over taken me the night before and I had completely succumb to it. I believed the words of the one who was attacking and oh how far I fell.

I knew my mind needed renewing. But the weight of my Bible was almost too heavy to bear.

I asked my Mother-in-Law for some Scripture references. She is such a huge encouragement to me. She doesn’t shy away from giving you Truth, even when you want someone to just feel sorry for you. Within minutes I had a slue of Scriptures dealing with fear and worry. I spent a long time meditating on them. Praying and crying through them. Allowing the Lord’s peace to wash over me. I felt invigorated. Able to see clearly once again. To recognize my blessings and to be thankful.

This releasing of control has been so hard for me. Coming to terms with the fact that I have to place my trust in a God who doesn’t promise ease and comfort. That His goal for us is to be holy and not always happy. That He is always good but isn’t always safe. Well, it’s been a moment by moment battle. The failures have threatened to shake me to my core. And the victories have been slight in comparison.

But thankfully, this is the encouragement we have:

Let the beloved of the Lord rest in him, for he shields him all day long and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders – Deut. 33:12
Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come? – Lam. 3:37-38
…call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you…
I will be found by you – Jer. 29:11-14
Humble yourself under God’s might hand that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your ENEMY the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the FAITH… And the God of grace… will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. – 1Peter 5
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship… – Rom. 8:15
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us… – Rom. 8:26
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither present or future, nor any powers… will be able to separate us from the LOVE of God – Rom 8:38
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.
Phil. 4
I am so thankful for freedom in Christ. That I can share these things with you, speak them out loud and not have to be shameful. My weakness can be used for the glory of God. And it should. There is nothing within us, no strength or power or goodness. Not even faithfulness or loyalty. It doesn’t make sense that God would pursue this one-sided relationship with us. But he does. 
And oh how thankful I am for that.
So, take this from someone who speaks from experience. If you are trying to figure out life, even the small moments within life, stop right now and let go of control. You’ll save yourself a lot of agony.
Oh, and would you mind reminding me of these things in a day or two?
Thanks.

Snug as a Bug in a Rug

Baby Boy is really enjoying himself I think.
He’s enjoying listening to Mommy’s tummy rumblings and heart beat and voice as she sings to him.
He loves being curled up in a tight ball and floating upside down.
He likes his hiney being lodged in Mommy’s ribs.
And tickling her sides with his toes.
He LOVES it when Mommy gets up 5 times a night to, you know…
He thinks it’s fun making Mommy waddle around. Especially when other people share their hilarious comments about such.
And I know he must of had a chuckle when Mommy got stuck in the van because she couldn’t open the door wide enough to get out. She had to find a new parking spot.
He loves making Mommy’s belly jump and roll even when it makes her squint and cringe.
He likes hearing his brothers and sister talk to him through a wall of warmth and protection.
And kicking against Daddy’s hand.
He’s loving the endless debate on what his name will be!
I know you are having a wonderful time inside Mommy, my sweet baby boy, but…
you are going to love it even more on the outside.
Baby Boy’s nursery (can you believe this is in my closet!). Art donated by three loving siblings. The banner reads, ” Lil’ Piece of Heaven”. Blankets and (hanging) booties made by friend’s very loving hands.
I promise!

Dear Baby Boy

I am anxious to meet you…

to smell you…

to see you…

to know your name…

to show you off to your big brothers and sister…

to count your fingers…

and your toes…

to kiss you all over…

to love again…

Soon, my baby boy. Oh so very soon…