*WARNING: This post contains pregnancy talk and may not be suitable for the man who has no idea what being 4cm dilated means or gags at the mention of the word fluid.
You find yourself still pregnant two days past your due date!
My friend told me that I jinxed myself. And maybe I did. But the reality is, I really had never made it to a due date! Not just once, but thrice, my friends. So what was I supposed to expect especially with a fourth pregnancy??
This has been a roller coaster of a week for me to say the least.
I thought labor had started twice. With strong contractions, intensifying over a 3-5 hour period. Only to stop as suddenly has it started.
I thought my water had broken. Yeah, not a pleasant thought when I realized it wasn’t amniotic fluid!
I was told by my midwife that I was dilated to 4cm and most likely would go by the weekend. (It is now Tuesday)
I have had at least 3 days of constant, strong and uncomfortable cramping and contractions.
I have watched my due date come and go.
I have struggled with intense discomfort due to being so dilated.
I have had to endure the million questions and suggestions and opinions from well meaning family and friends. (Sorry if I have not responded well or not at all)
I have experienced swelling in my feet, legs, toes, hands, fingers, lips, face, nose, etc…
But the hardest part about this past week, has been the battle within my mind. I’d like to blame it all on the crazy hormones that are threatening to make me crazy. And maybe that’s part of it.
Maybe it’s the desperation I feel to be “unpregnant” as Levi would say.
Maybe it’s because I’m just weary.
I’d really like to blame it on all those things. But in the end I know that I have to be responsible for my thoughts and actions.
I have experienced true weakness this week. True ‘humanity’. Shame for not trusting. Embarrassment for letting my thoughts and emotions get the better of me. I have struggled with fear and anxiety like never before.
I came across a post I wrote just before going to Ukraine December of 2010. It’s titled A Calming Presence. I wasn’t looking for it, it just seemed to appear out of no where. I know it was the Lord speaking to me, encouraging me.
I was in a similar place just before leaving for Ukraine. Struggling with fear and doubt. But through that God showed me that it’s ok. Even in the midst of our weakness, He has a plan. He can still use us. And still prove to us that He is God, holding all things together.
Sunday was particularly bad. I woke up in a panic. The fear had over taken me the night before and I had completely succumb to it. I believed the words of the one who was attacking and oh how far I fell.
I knew my mind needed renewing. But the weight of my Bible was almost too heavy to bear.
I asked my Mother-in-Law for some Scripture references. She is such a huge encouragement to me. She doesn’t shy away from giving you Truth, even when you want someone to just feel sorry for you. Within minutes I had a slue of Scriptures dealing with fear and worry. I spent a long time meditating on them. Praying and crying through them. Allowing the Lord’s peace to wash over me. I felt invigorated. Able to see clearly once again. To recognize my blessings and to be thankful.
This releasing of control has been so hard for me. Coming to terms with the fact that I have to place my trust in a God who doesn’t promise ease and comfort. That His goal for us is to be holy and not always happy. That He is always good but isn’t always safe. Well, it’s been a moment by moment battle. The failures have threatened to shake me to my core. And the victories have been slight in comparison.
But thankfully, this is the encouragement we have: