I am so thankful that no matter what phase of life you are in, God is faithful to always teach you something else.
This fourth pregnancy has not only had me down physically these past several weeks, but strangely mentally too. Normally I am so tired and sick I literally cannot be moved. And although I have had some of that this time it has not been as bad as the other times, for which I am thankful.
But the worst part has been not being able to think and process information. Reading, computer, television – the normal ‘veg’ activities have actually required more energy than I’ve been able to give. We’ve had to place school on hold for a while because I’ve just not been able to focus on reading, talking, thinking… Even phone conversations have been hard… It has been very strange, something I’ve never experienced before.
Last week I felt as though I was having a break through. The fog was clearing and I was actually thinking again! Thoughts were rolling around in my head, even things I wanted to blog about. I pulled out a couple of school books, much to the children’s disbelief, and we did a math lesson, even a reading lesson! I felt so accomplished. And so thankful.
Several weeks ago, as I was lying on the couch, I looked across the coffee table at my lonely Bible. Just sitting there. I was discouraged. Trying not to be, trying to be thankful. But I felt sad as I watched my children play on their own, still in their p.j.’s just like me and it was 2:00 or so. Who knows what they had eaten for lunch, or breakfast for that matter. The laundry had claimed it’s own zip code and the dishes were… well, I just didn’t go in the kitchen. My Bible hadn’t been picked up in weeks, the weight of it was just too, well, heavy.
I could have gone back there, to the guilt cycle. But I chose not to. God was whispering something to me that brought a calm to my soul, and rest to my mind.
Nothing is for certain. Nothing stays the same. Life is always changing. And God knows that. It’s not up to me to hold things together. That’s His job. It’s not up to me to make sure God and I are ‘ok’. He already did that. He can refresh me where ever I am in life, even if I can’t read His Word or even conjure up well thought out prayers. He knows my frame. And He was meeting me just were I was. On the couch. In my p.j.’s.
But I have to admit, I’m glad I’m starting to feel better and my mind is starting to wake up some. It’s been hard not being able to do and think. Thankfully all things (good and bad) come to an end at some point!
Looking forward to blogging again. =)