Dear Deacon

It’s been a while since I wrote you a letter. I let life distract me from the important things. I’m sorry. I used to have a journal and I would write you notes in it all the time. One day I will have to go through and find them all, so that you will be able to have them and read them when you get bigger.

I remember the day I found out you were in my tummy. I was hungry. Hungry for salad, with ranch dressing. And I knew.

I went home from the gym and took a test. I still have that test that told me you were coming. I surprised daddy with that test that night during dinner. He was so happy and so was I. We couldn’t wait to see who you were going to be.

And then the sickness hit. It came on so quickly and all I could do was lay on the couch and throw up for 5 long months. Long gone was the desire for salad and ranch dressing or any food at all, even the smell of food I couldn’t stand!

Your sister was such a trooper during that time. She loved her play-pen most of the time and got so good at watching Baby Einstein!

you had been in my tummy for 6 months here

And as sick as I was, it didn’t matter. You were in my belly growing and getting stronger and I loved you and I would do it again.

And then the day came when we found out you were a boy. It was your daddy’s birthday and what a gift. To know a son was coming and in 4 short months we would get to meet you.

I couldn’t sing that song to you anymore (although I did and still do):

Little Baby yet unborn,
In my womb so safe and warm.
Are you a girl, are you a boy?
Little gift that brings such joy.
Mmm, my little baby.
Mmm, Mmm, Mmmmm.
Mmm, my little baby.
Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh, oh!
For now we knew! And we began to pray for a name.
Your name came from God through Daddy. He liked it first and I loved the meaning. Servant or Messenger. And believe it or not, the “UN-Christian” meaning means “Dusty One”. How fitting (since your dad’s name is Dustin)!

We decided you would be Deacon after we saw you. A moment that is etched in my brain, my very skin, for all eternity.

You were covered in white, your lips red, searching. You were wet and warm and I felt that warmth all the way down to my heart. I cried when they laid you on my chest. I cried when I kissed you. I cried when I spoke to you. Oh how I loved you, so fast, so deep. God was giving me hope through you, my son. A glimmer of light during a dark time in my life and I was so thankful. Thankful to have you and so thankful to be your Mama. You were a gift in so  many ways.

Well then you decided to get bigger.

And you hated your baby food.

And your hair got longer and stuck up straighter and it made people come up to me and say how cute you were with that crazy hair.

And your favorite toy was a ball. And actually, ball was your first word.

And you gave the best hugs, even when you were little.

And you woke up early (and still do).
And you wanted your breakfast right away and (still do).
And you hated the car and you still do!

And when you got even bigger, you always wanted to be outside and would cry when I made you come in for a nap.

And you loved your pacie and your blue blankie.  

And your cowboy boots,

and your red shirt,

and you loved stacking things,

and your hair still stood up on end, but I didn’t mind, cause you were just so cute.

And then before you knew it, you became a big brother.

And there you were smack in the middle and it made this Mama worry for you, you having such a tender heart. And I knew that the older and the younger required so much more from me and what would happen to my sweet Deacon? But you have never seemed to mind. And you love your bossy sister and your rambunctious brother and it’s ok with you being the quiet, shy one. You don’t mind when Olivia answers for you, you just smile and let her. And you always want them to go first and you give all your Easter eggs to your little brother and you wonder where God is and how strong He is and if he can pick up the biggest rock and if He made the roads and the trees and the biggest fish in the ocean.  And you are sensitive and gentle and you cry when you miss Abby and cry when you miss Nana or Baba, even if you have just seen them, and I don’t mind staying with you until your done crying. Cause I worry anyway if I give you enough.

The bigger you have grown, the more you have become your daddy. You have his hands and his walk and his knees and his eyes, his toes and his mouth. And you have his quiet, introspective personality and it’s hard for you to share your feelings. And I worry for your wife. =) And I remind you all the time that even though it’s hard, you have to be able to share your thoughts because one day you will be a husband and a daddy. And what a sweet husband you will be and I can’t wait to see you as a daddy, even though I can.

But I am getting ahead of myself, because for now you are six.

SIX!!

It really is hard for me to believe. For so long you were so little, my baby. And I had to do everything for you. But now… now you are a big six year old boy. Who can brush his own teeth and go potty without me supervising. And you get dressed on your own every morning, and get your own breakfast – and even bring me breakfast in bed. And you take care of your turtles and go in the woods all by yourself. And you want to do great things and get frustrated because you’re still learning. And you are learning! You are even learning to read this year! Really learning! And I’m so proud.

So stinkin’ proud.

Even though there’s so much you can do on your own now, I know there is so much you still need.

Like your Mama and your Daddy and your brother and your sister. You need to know that we love you and approve of you and think you are great. You need to hear it. And I’m sorry I don’t say it enough.

Because you are great. You are such a sweet, loving boy. I love how you love the outdoors and want to live in the woods like your Uncle Hunter and Aunt Amy. I love how you want to open the door for me and be a gentleman. How you want to protect us. And catch worms and crickets so your turtles have something to eat. How you want to be bigger so you can be ‘good at something like Daddy’.

But, Deacon, you are already good at so much. You are such a good servant to your siblings and to Mommy. You give me the message of love and hope each day. You will be a fine man one day. Just be patient. Before you can be a man, you must first learn to be a man and that’s by being a boy.

Thank you for being my boy. Thank you for teaching me, teaching me to love deeply, fully and without conditions.

You truly are my Sunshine.

Love,
Your Mama

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