The past few days have been really hard for me. I have been struggling. Fighting fears and doubts. Not really feeling up to this big adventure I know I have been called to do. Not feeling adequate. Feeling anxious and nervous. Irritable, restless, not sleeping. And then I feel guilty for feeling all those things.
I am not what I imagined I would be. I didn’t think these would be the feelings I would be having the days leading up to our departure. I thought I would be feeling strong, fearless, excited. But I don’t. Quite the opposite. I feel weak, scared and dread.
I hesitated sharing these things. I don’t want to appear weak and unsure. I don’t want people to worry that I might fail. I want you to have faith in me.
And that is why I must share these things. Because otherwise you might have faith in me.
I have continued reading about the prophet Amos in F. Rivers’ book. How timely this has been for me. Because I feel very much like a sheep right now, ready to dart at the slightest rustle in the bushes. I have desperately needed my Shepherd’s reassurance.
After a wolf had come and threatened his flock, Amos stood in their midst and waited for them to calm. He sang psalms to them so that they would be comforted. One by one they layed back down. His presence calmed them. He went back to the narrow gate and layed down across the opening so that he made himself a barrier against anything else that might come and threaten his flock.
Being the Good Shepherd He has done that.